If you are a faithful reader of my blog, you will recall that recently I received a comment on my Nablopomo (National Blog Posting Month, for the unenlightened) profile:
Hello,
My name is mary, i got you from nablopomo.com and i want to have a
good relationship with you, please i need your cooperation,
am yours mary
I was, of course, quite excited to find out that I was in a relationship. Mary is a wonderful person. At least, I’m pretty sure she is. I haven’t actually talked to her. I can, however, speculate about what she is like based on the content of her message. I’m sure that I’m qualified to do that kind of evaluation because my roommate is a psychology major.
Hello,
As you can see, she is a very friendly and polite person. She doesn’t just plunge into a soliloquy without a formal greeting.
My name is mary,
Always begin with an introduction! This is an especially good idea when you intend on having a relationship with someone. Also notice how she breaks conventional rules of capitalization. While some finicky English-imbibing fascists would say that is due to ignorance, I know that it means she is expressing her individuality in a conformist world. Arbitrary grammatical rules don’t tie her down.
i got you from nablopomo.com
This expression, “I got”, is also used in cases where people buy things; for example, “I got this pink-and-orange double-decker bus for half the original price”. As you can see, Mary values me at least as much as she would a pink-and-orange double-decker bus. And those buses are expensive even at half price.
and i want to have a good relationship with you
Not just a relationship, a good relationship. I think I’ve emphasized this already. A surprising percentage of relationships that spring from random internet comments are not successful, probably because the comments do not include this phrase.
please i need your cooperation
Any good relationship requires cooperation. Mary obviously knows this.
am yours mary
<3
As you can see, she’s quite a nice person. She also included an email address by which I can contact her, but I think it’s best if we keep our relationship as objective as possible right now, and I think that if I spoke to her it would make it subjective (or something like that). Actually, I forgot the email address entirely, and don’t feel like going and looking it up again, but I think that I can reconstruct it so accurately that it will tell us even more about her. I’m guessing that her email is something like penguinluvr@bananayodel.edu.
This means that she loves penguins! A great match; I love penguins too! Also note that she goes to the prestigious Bancroft Anabaptist University of Yorklyn, Delaware. I’m pretty sure she’s a physics student. Bancroft only offers programs in physics and English.
I’ll post further relationship updates, of course. I’d say something about my Anatomy and Physiology lab that I had today except nothing really happened. We just killed some onions, sliced them up, and probed them under microscopes.
Poor onions.
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